It’s Okay to Outgrow Your Family

You do not have to be close with your family. I cannot stress that enough. Just because someone is related to you by blood does not mean you are obligated to have a relationship with them or force yourself to be close to them. You're human. We’re not meant to get along with everyone, and that’s okay. 

Growing up, we were probably close to all of our cousins. We saw them often, got together for holidays, spent more time together—it all just seemed easier back then. Remember going over to your cousin’s house, with all the adults sitting in one room talking and eating for hours while the kids snuck away to play games, make up secret languages, and talk for what felt like forever, just being goofy? Those were the days. You had built-in best friends, and it felt like no one could take that away from you. 

Fast-forward to when everyone grew up, and those relationships started to fade. Suddenly, you got better at living without the family members you once thought you could never live without. The people who were once inseparable from you have slowly become distant memories. The relatives you used to see regularly are now “holiday family”—people you only see around special occasions. You probably don’t even have their number saved in your phone anymore, and if you really think about it, you barely know anything about their lives. 

Think it can get any more awkward? You walk into their house for a holiday and are greeted with an uncomfortable hello and side hug. You do the basic catching up—”How’s life?” “What have you been up to?”—and make small talk until someone finally yells that it’s time for dinner. The entire time you’re sitting there feels like an awkward first date you just can't wait to escape. 

Finally, it's time to leave. Everyone promises to get together soon, knowing deep down that you’ll most likely repeat the whole thing next year.

So, how did we get here? 

Well, one possibility is that everyone simply grew up and lost touch. But maybe we just outgrew each other. 

When we were little, we had yet to fully become the people we are today. We were mostly concerned with playing, having fun, and enjoying each other’s company. We were also just kids living in our own little worlds, so we didn’t really know much about our family members outside the time we spent together. Once we got old enough to form our own opinions, values, and beliefs, we may have realized that we simply don’t mesh with those people anymore.  

 Our relatives might simply not be our cup of tea—or even the type of people we would choose to hang out with. Think of it like this: If they weren't related to you, would you be friends with them? If the answer is no, then that might be all you need to know. 

There may have been a family member you always loved seeing and talking to when you were younger, but once you got older, you realized your views had changed and you no longer had as much in common as you once thought. 

That's not necessarily a bad thing either. Just as people outgrow friendships, they can outgrow family relationships too. Think about it this way: Your family members are regular people you just happen to be related to. They all have their own personalities, opinions, values, and ways of life that may completely differ from yours—and that’s okay. You’re not meant to like or click with everyone.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you need to cut off your family altogether or completely distance yourself from them. But it also might not be realistic to expect every family relationship to stay close forever. Maybe it's okay for some relatives to become “holiday family” and for the relationship to consist mostly of small talk. Maybe that’s just how it is meant to be. 

Does it suck? Yeah, sometimes it does. But is there really anything you can do about it?

Sure, you can make the effort to reach out and maintain the relationship. But if you’re always the one initiating conversations or trying to make plans, at some point you have to ask yourself whether it’s worth continuing to force something that no longer feels mutual.

Being family does not always mean being close. You are family by chance and friends by choice, and sometimes the choice is to remain at a distance. That doesn't mean you have to fight, dislike one another, or have a dramatic falling-out. Family can still be family without having to be best friends. Sometimes, it’s simply how the cards fall.