Do Strict Parents Create Sneaky Kids?

Do strict parents create sneaky kids? Sometimes, they do. When kids feel like they cannot be honest with their parents without being yelled at, punished, or immediately told “no,” they eventually learn to close themselves off from their parents and stop asking for permission altogether. Instead, they may start hiding things, making excuses, lying, or outright disobeying the rules in the name of being defiant or “misunderstood.” At some point, strict parenting no longer teaches kids how to make better decisions, but rather teaches them how to make sure their parents never find out. 

Being a teenager is not easy. The hormones, the added responsibilities, and the weird in-between of not quite being an adult but still being old enough to make some of their own decisions—it puts a lot of pressure on a teenager who is just trying to figure everything out. Yes, everyone has been there and has gotten through it, but each person’s experience is different, and some may have a much harder time than others.

It is important to give parents some credit, too, because for many of them, it is their first time parenting and raising a teenager. There is no special handbook that teaches them how to be the perfect parent or handle every decision the right way. If there were, then parenting a teenager probably would not feel so scary.

To get a parent’s perspective, I spoke with Sal Cas, a father who is currently raising a teenager for the first time. Like many parents, Cas is navigating this new stage of life by taking it one day at a time, while often finding himself learning and adjusting his approach along the way. 

Cas stated how raising a teenager has taught him that the older a child gets, the more the parenting must change. 

“You must learn to start treating them as adults, give them responsibility, but at the same time you cannot give them total independence,” Cas said. 

The balance between new responsibilities and total independence may be difficult for parents to navigate, especially when a teenager starts to yearn for more freedom. In some cases, that tension can lead to sneaky or defiant behavior, particularly when a teenager feels like their parents have tunnel vision and leave no room for an open discussion. During this complicated stage, teenagers are changing quickly, pushing boundaries, and want to make rules for themselves. It is not that they are bad people—they are changing and may not even fully understand what is happening yet.

Being overly strict can sometimes teach teenagers to focus more on disobeying—and getting away with it—to the point where they may even begin to enjoy it rather than understanding why certain rules are in place. Therefore, having a parent who also feels like a friend can make a major difference for a teenager. 

That does not mean, however, being the “cool” parent who buys their kid cigarettes, for example, but rather having someone they can open up to without the immediate fear of judgment or getting in trouble. It is already super hard for teens to understand what life is throwing at them—it is their first time navigating it on their own—and the first thing they need is a safe space in their parents to make things feel a little less overwhelming. When it comes to life advice, most parents would probably prefer being the one their child confides in rather than a friend or total stranger. If that sense of safety does not exist, opening up becomes rare.

Most times, all a teenager is looking for is a shoulder to cry on or some advice that could potentially steer the direction of their life. What may seem “petty” or “childish” to a parent may be the biggest deal in the world to their teen. Brushing off their feelings or making them feel stupid for opening up about something just because a parent does not understand can make them less likely to ever open up again. To a teenager, whatever issue is going on may genuinely feel like the end of the world. 

Cat Daz, a mom who is also navigating the daily struggles of raising a teenager, emphasized the importance of open communication between parents and their teens. 

“Communication is so important. When parenting becomes too strict, teenagers may feel like they have to hide things rather than come to their parents,” Daz said.

Whether the issue is big or small, fear of being punished can make opening up feel like a risk, leaving a vulnerable teenager to handle the situation on their own—something they most likely will not know how to do. Ranging from peer pressure to friendship advice, handling those kinds of situations without guidance can lead them into a downward spiral. 

Daz goes on to mention how important it is for parents to understand their kids. Young teens may suddenly become obsessed with always wanting to hang out with friends, for instance, simply because “everyone else is going.” While a parent might not want their kid “gallivanting” the streets, explaining why they cannot go—while also understanding why they so desperately want to—can help foster a more open conversation. 

“They also need to feel that we are listening to understand them—not just listening to respond,” Daz adds. “Validating their feelings doesn’t mean agreeing with every decision they make. It means letting them know that their feelings are real and that we are there to help them work through them.” 

Teenagers crave conversation, even if they do not always show it. While they may be individuals of few words, deep down, they would love their parents to hear them out and reassure them that they are heard and understood. Of course, it is not always easy for parents to understand where their teenager is coming from, especially when some things they say or do may seem bizarre from an adult’s perspective. But teens are confused. They are learning about the world for the first time and are bound to make mistakes—some worse than others—but having parents who put themselves in their kids’ shoes at the moment can make all the difference.

Sometimes, being told “no” over and over again does not make a teenager stop wanting to do something—it just makes them stop asking. If a teen keeps asking to go to a party, for example, and the answer is constantly “no” without any room for a productive conversation, they may eventually just find a way around the rules. Whether that means lying about who they are with, where they are going, or what they are doing, the more afraid they become of their parents’ reaction, the more prompted they may be to keep things a secret. 

At that point, they may even start to feel justified doing so. The thought becomes, “Oh my gosh, I can’t tell my parents about this. They'll kill me.” So instead, they may come up with an elaborate lie just to make sure their parents never find out. That is when the sneakiness starts to creep in.

They can become better at lying simply to avoid extreme consequences or the fear of getting in trouble. They may start deleting texts, having friends cover for them, or even hiding certain relationships. Eventually, the trust can become completely broken. The teenager no longer tells their parents the truth, and the parents do not understand why their child is not being honest with them in the first place. 

Cas believes that strict parenting does not always prevent a child from doing what they want—especially if their mind is already set on it. 

“If a teen really wants something and they aren’t allowed to have it, they will find a way to get it,” Cas states. 

In that scenario, a teen may go to great lengths to disobey their parents, becoming less likely to understand why a rule is in place and more focused on finding how to break it. 

When kids feel like they have to make a full PowerPoint presentation just to convince their parents to let them do something, that is when things can start to go wrong. Eventually, a teenager may get tired of constantly walking on eggshells and begin making their own decisions regardless of what their parents may think. 

So, do strict parents create sneaky kids? Depending on the level of strictness, they very well can. When a parent-teen relationship becomes one-sided and a parent believes that their voice is the only reasonable one, a teenager may begin feeling like there is no point in an open discussion at all. That lack of communication can not only push toward rebellion and secrecy, but can also lead to a teen thinking that they have to take on the world on their own because they no longer have a support system at home. 

At the end of the day, being overly strict can sometimes push a teenager away rather than protect them. Yes, rules should still exist—they exist for a reason—but there is a difference between setting reasonable rules and being so unwavering that there is no room for understanding. Parents may believe that strictness is keeping their child safe without realizing that too much of it can actually have an opposite effect. At some point, a healthy parent-teen relationship has to matter more than the rules themselves—possibly even a little more. Teenagers may be complicated, confused, emotional, and difficult to deal with, but sometimes, they are not as crazy as people think.